Dream Chasing & The Big Pause
Lately I've been getting really honest about the not so glamorous side of dream chasing, and how my life is changing now I'm actively seeking to be the woman who chases adventures instead of passively wanting to write about these women. And I want to touch upon something I've not really talked a huge amount about. And that's how the last year and a half, waiting for this dream of travelling the world to happen has been.
For this last year since I gave up my house with Mr. Meg and moved into our inlaws, I feel like I've been stuck on pause.
Waiting desperately for our time to come, counting down the months, wondering what we're going to do, planning this, researching that, and somewhere along the lines I forgot to live.
I decided that it was okay to bury myself in graphic design work because I need to save to be able to go. It was okay that I didn't go out and make loads of new friends in London because we're probably never going to be living here again. It was okay that me and Mr. Meg didn't do all of the things we wanted to do because we needed rest and time to recuperate after the stress of the last couple of years.
I often find myself thinking that it's been much needed solitutude and time for myself. Because the next year is going to be jam packed and personal space and solitude will be a rarity. And that I need this time right now to put my head down and just get on with it, in order to make my next year possible.
But another part of me think's that's bullshit.
That it's an excuse I've given myself. Because sometimes I'm really scared of the world. Because everything feels too much, and some days it's hard enough getting out of bed, let alone walking into a crowded room full of strangers.
And because I'm really fucking tired. I'm exhausted and somewhere along the line, I let my life become this never ending to-do list. And all the pressure I put on myself was down to me.
And that reality is hard to swallow.
In all honesty, partly because I feel ashamed. And another part of me feels shit scared about the year ahead when I think about the last year. I worry if I'll have the energy, if I'll be able to stay present, if I'll have fun - anything and everything.
I've been stuck in this notion that it's either A or B. I didn't stop to consider the other 24 letters of the english alphabet. Instead, I limited my life to two distinct and unhealthy scenarios. Fully on, or fully off.
And that's not possible. Because fully on 24/7 gets me burned out really quickly, and fully off sends me into the dark hole of depression.
And whether it's being burned out or depressed, I'm not good to anybody like that, let alone myself. It's not good for my health, my wellbeing, my creativity and it's not good for Mr. Meg, for my family, for my friends and for the work that I do.
And it’s a hard lesson to learn. And one I’m sure I’ll keep learning.
I know I’m far from alone in this situation. I think so many of us are so caught up in longing for something, longing to be that person, longing to have that adventure, that we miss out on the current adventure in our life.
Because life happens in the little moments. And not every moment is an adventure. But we do get to determine what some of those little moments look like.
It doesn’t have to be A or B, it can be a creative combination of a million different things. We don’t have to spend our days like we’re waiting for the bus, or in the hospital waiting room.
So here's to living, whatever that looks like. To some days saying fuck you to our comfort zones, and for other days to gently come to the edge and peek your head out to see if you can do it.
I'd love to know if you can relate in the comments!